If you follow me on twitter than you may already know that I have been having a book blogger bout of depression. This is a whole different kind of depression, because this isn't me being sad about not blogging a lot.
I guess you could say this depression is spurred from jealousy. As a blogger I have been jealous before but not like this. Usually, I am "oh you are So lucky!" jealous. But today, I am "why not me?" jealous.
Does that make sense? As bloggers, we all have moments where we look at our stats and our followers and how many ARC's do we have and what publishers are sending us books.. etc. and we compare.
(Side Note: I am not speaking about people who solely get into book blogging for those reason, if you are then you are not blogging for the right reasons) We all compare at some point. We just do and normally, I compare and remind myself that we are all on our own paths and that those things don't matter (because in life terms they don't).
However, today it hit me. Today this weird depression, jealousy bug hit me and I can't shake it. I have been book blogger for 4 years and in general I feel like I have nothing significant to show for it. Please, Please Please don't take this as I am greedy or ungrateful because I am not. I love doing this and when I started, I started with the idea that nobody was reading my blog. However, now that I take the time and effort to put into my blogs, I want to know that it is worth SOMETHING. My blog hasn't grown a lot and the comments are sparse unless it is Top Ten Tuesday or IMM. So, like I said it makes me question the effort I put in. I haven't made any "real" book blogger friends. There are people I talk to occasionally, but nobody that I feel would invite me to hang out if I was in town. So, I am depressed.
The other thing that depressed me, was the realization that I have been a blogger for 4 years and have yet to go to ALA or BEA! I know, I am not the only blogger with this problem. I just feel like I say every year that "oh I will go next year" but I don't and a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am in the middle of building a company with my Mom. So, my pay goes towards bills and food.. not enough to save up for BEA. I know I am blessed and have been lucky to do many things and that there are so many other things to be sad about. Today though I am sad, because I feel invisible. Does that make sense... I just feel like my blog is insignificant and that if I decided to stop blogging. No one would care.
With that being said... I decided to try GoFundMe for a trip to BEA this year. Hell, I know it probably won't happen... but I though to myself why not try? Why not see if I could make this happen...