I guess you could say this depression is spurred from jealousy. As a blogger I have been jealous before but not like this. Usually, I am "oh you are So lucky!" jealous. But today, I am "why not me?" jealous.
Does that make sense? As bloggers, we all have moments where we look at our stats and our followers and how many ARC's do we have and what publishers are sending us books.. etc. and we compare.
(Side Note: I am not speaking about people who solely get into book blogging for those reason, if you are then you are not blogging for the right reasons) We all compare at some point. We just do and normally, I compare and remind myself that we are all on our own paths and that those things don't matter (because in life terms they don't).
However, today it hit me. Today this weird depression, jealousy bug hit me and I can't shake it. I have been book blogger for 4 years and in general I feel like I have nothing significant to show for it. Please, Please Please don't take this as I am greedy or ungrateful because I am not. I love doing this and when I started, I started with the idea that nobody was reading my blog. However, now that I take the time and effort to put into my blogs, I want to know that it is worth SOMETHING. My blog hasn't grown a lot and the comments are sparse unless it is Top Ten Tuesday or IMM. So, like I said it makes me question the effort I put in. I haven't made any "real" book blogger friends. There are people I talk to occasionally, but nobody that I feel would invite me to hang out if I was in town. So, I am depressed.
The other thing that depressed me, was the realization that I have been a blogger for 4 years and have yet to go to ALA or BEA! I know, I am not the only blogger with this problem. I just feel like I say every year that "oh I will go next year" but I don't and a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am in the middle of building a company with my Mom. So, my pay goes towards bills and food.. not enough to save up for BEA. I know I am blessed and have been lucky to do many things and that there are so many other things to be sad about. Today though I am sad, because I feel invisible. Does that make sense... I just feel like my blog is insignificant and that if I decided to stop blogging. No one would care.
With that being said... I decided to try GoFundMe for a trip to BEA this year. Hell, I know it probably won't happen... but I though to myself why not try? Why not see if I could make this happen...
http://www.gofundme.com/6pxeww
Aww I think we all get bouts of Jealousy once in a while especially when you start visiting STS posts and stuff like that. I also don't think it's greedy at all it's quite common and normal. I have been lucky to have made a couple of very close friends but it was kind of a fluke. Being active on twitter does help make me feel more social and happy about blogging in general though like even if most people I talk to on there are not anyone I would invite to hang out either i still feel like we have this love of books and stuff to bond over. I'm not sure if I even make sense I'm kind of tired today haha. And for BEA it's definitely not something everyone can afford and it does mean taking vacation from work,too, and if you have kids that's a whole other story. You're def. not the only one who has never gone! I don't know what GoFundMe is but I really do hope that it all works out and you can go! :)
ReplyDeleteI so feel you!! I wrote a similar post recently about how I feel like no one reads my blog and how my blog basically sucks (which I know it doesn't, I just get frustrated and sad sometimes). I rarely read IMM posts bc I do get blogger jealousy and I hate feeling like that. I want to be happy for people, I really do!! So yeah I just try to avoid. Me and a bunch of blogger girls are going to BEA, if you need someone to room with to help you save costs let me know... we might have extra space :) It's my first time going and I'm really excited!! I hope you get to go!!!
ReplyDeleteI pretty much think that the way you feel in this post is the way most bloggers feel at some point in time. I think we all go through it and your blog is not insignificant!! I only found you for the first time today, but I'm already looking forward to coming back :)